Just a Kid

I just had a huge epiphany. I am just as much a kid as my five year old daughter. We really aren't that different. She got hurt yesterday on the playground because she got a giant scratch from this metal bike she was riding at school and started to cry. I had a horrible morning with a whiny hyperactive kid and another kid who forgot to do her homework (I forgot to make sure she did it) so we were getting dressed, eating cereal, and doing two pages of math homework in 30 minutes, as well as making a lunch. All while hyperactive whiny brother is going at it. I hit my limit, just like she hit her threshold. And I wanted to cry, give up, and run away to my covers and hide my head in their soft down.

I woke up so perky too. Nine hours of sleep from my baby champ sleeping through the night. I was excited to be with the kids this morning. Then the whining about cereal, then about how much juice he got, then he's trying to get a rise out of his sister, then she's taking too long to brush her hair. SO MUCH STRESS. Gabby attends a prep charter school and they are strict about homework and tardies, so the pressure was on. And I blew it. I got cranky and emotional. I acted like a child, overwhelmed and past my limit.

After I got Gabby to school, I just wanted to lay in bed and try to rest up so that perky feeling I had when I first woke up this morning could come back. I wanted to rest away the stress headache and guilt. I wanted to feel like my happy old self again.

That's when the epiphany hit me. I'm just a kid. Sometimes I feel like I need to be this adult with all the answers, smoothly handling every bump and turn with the right touch of humor and wisdom to keep me steady. NO WAY. That just wasn't me today. I just didn't have the stuff.

I'm just a kid looking for help and steadying, so I realized. It made me want to move past the routine scripture studying and prayers to the deeper relationship I want and need from God and Jesus. In that moment, I needed the comfort my daughter needed yesterday when she got hurt. I needed love, forgiveness, approval, affection, and healing. I ran to Him and waited and expected and asked and waited and it only took a few seconds of serious focus and for my heart to be turned to Him that I felt Him in my midst like He was giving me the biggest hug. HE IS REAL. I can't make up stuff like that. I've always known He was real but HE IS REAL, His ability to not only help me want to get out of bed but also feel strong, capable, optimistic and not broken was more than I could ever do for myself. I felt like a battery, gone from zero to supercharged to 100% in just a few seconds, filled with all the spiritual and emotional strength I needed but have not been able to find this morning or the past couple of days.

The past couple of days haven't been fun either. I found out yesterday that my cousin was killed while serving as a marine. On top of that, I've had an overflowing list of tasks to get done since coming back in town from the holiday. I've felt overwhelmed tidying my house, unpacking, taking care of kids, restocking groceries, doing my at home business, all while sleep deprived and getting over a cold. Then the news of my cousin sort of crumpled me yesterday. I felt like everything was piled on top of me and I couldn't handle it. I was still going through the motions but not really feeling alive and happy.

I still have a messy house. I still have a HUGE box of items I need to ship for my business today and I still have a hyperactive whiny kid (luckily he's at school right now) but I am a loved child of Someone, my Savior, who knows how to succor me and get me back on my feet. And He's not just around for crises, like when I fall and get hurt. He's here ALL THE TIME. I can pray to Him, in fact, He tells me it's a commandment so I don't feel like I'm a burden and because I NEED it:

In the Book of Mormon, further scripture to prove Jesus is our Savior, the Prophet Alma preaches to all of us: "O, remember, my son [or daughter or insert your name], and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God. Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever."

"Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day (Alma 37:35-37). 

So there you have it. It's okay to admit I'm just a child and my learning curve is just as steep as my daughter's. Our stepping stones are just different. And my trials aren't to haunt or mock me, but they lead me to cry out to my God who WILL come to me and then I'm made stronger and smoother in the process, more like Him. That love and strength doesn't just make it possible for me to handle life, but lets me live with more joy and purpose. It makes beauty from the ashes of my mistakes and makes sense out of the frustration and pain. If it leads to Him and that leads me to eternal life, I'm okay with some really hard mornings. His love is worth every penny and won't leave me comfortless.

With God All Things Are Possible

With God all things are possible. Today my friend got her dream job. She'd tried for eight years before finally getting her YES. It's funny how timing is everything. In her own words, "Last week was a very difficult week. It was weighing down heavy on me, I felt little and small, I felt completely defeated. But then yesterday was the day I thought would only come to me in my dreams, had an actually physical manifestation. Its taken 8 years to fulfill this dream, I never gave up!! I kept trying and trying regardless of the numerous amount of rejections I had previously, I never lost sight of my dream. I no longer feel small, I no longer feel defeated. I feel like I can accomplish anything!! I am just so amazed at the care and details that God articulated in our lives. I don't know why the timing is so perfect right now, but I just know it is!! And I'm so humbled to sit back and take in the reality! I know my prayers have been answered and my heart ache will never be again!! "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true!"'

This inspired me to take inventory of my dreams. I was really thinking about this a few short months ago after attending Time Out For Women and listening to Whitney Johnson, a Wall Street guru and venture capitalist who wrote a book called Dare, Dream, Do, encouraging women to dare to dream and do something about their dreams. I loved the book and highlighted it all up.

I've always been pretty good to myself in regards to believing in my dreams and doing something about them. My dream was once to write a book. I did it and self-published it and was even able to get it featured on the Dr. Laura Show back in the day (five years ago) when her show was the #4 most listened to in the USA. That was a big deal for me and felt amazing to accomplish. But I've got that one checked off my list and am not dreaming of writing books right now. So what's my new dream...?

Something I've always wanted to do is be motivational speaker/singer. I've already dabbled in this a little bit, but I'd like more chances to talk to small to large groups about life experiences and lessons and share with people my fire for setting goals, overcoming challenges in life, and staying strong in hard times. It's not something I want to do to get rich, it's just something I enjoy that really fulfills me. 

Great Faith Has a Short Shelf Life

I remember going to a session of LDS Conference back in 2005 and Elder Eyring pointed out something that still sticks out in my mind any time someone talks about building their personal testimony of spiritual things. He said, "great faith has a short shelf life." It's so true. You can't have a powerful spiritual experience and expect to stay on fire, so to speak, for the rest of your life. You can't rely on a few, or even numerous experiences of the past, to keep you feeling strong in your faith forever. Faith is like a muscle and if you stop putting yourself in situations where the Holy Ghost can talk to you and let you know God's will for you, then you'll lose it. Your testimony will atrophy. It happens all the time, in varying degrees, to everybody.

In the parable of the 10 virgins, it talks about 5 virgins who were trying to make it to a wedding feast, but it was dark and the lanterns they had with them didn't have enough fuel so they weren't able to navigate in the dark to travel to the party. So half of these invited guests weren't actually able to go and celebrate like they'd been planning. They hadn't put in enough preparation to get there and they missed out. Elder Eyring said about preparation for life's tests: "What we will need then can’t be bought. It can’t be borrowed. It doesn’t store well. And it has to have been used regularly and recently." What does that refer to in modern life? What destinations will the unprepared never reach? What disappointments will they face? In the parable, the 5 unprepared asked if they could borrow oil, the fuel, from the five that had enough. They couldn't spare any and couldn't help their friends. They couldn't easily transfer it in the moment of desperation. They probably wished they could help their friends, but there was nothing they could do.. So back to my question. What things do I need to spiritually prepare for so I don't suffer the consequences of laziness or oversight or procrastination?

Basically, my faith in Jesus Christ will be tested in this life, in a bunch of small and big ways over and over again. Maybe I'll pray repeatedly for something to happen, something good that I need, and I won't get it. Maybe I'll make efforts to be closer to Christ and then a big trial will hit me and I'll wonder why I'm not being protected more. Maybe I'll watch someone in my life suffer and pray for them and the burden won't be lifted. There are so many ways my faith could be tested. Maybe I'll be asked by the apostles to do something that I'm not sure I agree with. Maybe I'll question their authority and then the entire leadership structure of the Church, wondering if Jesus really is in charge and if He is, do I agree with Him? Maybe I'll suffer in ways I don't think I deserve and wonder why I'm not being cradled a little more. Maybe things will happen in my life that don't seem fair and don't make sense and then I won't feel like being faithful to the things Heavenly Father asks me to do to stay close to Him. Maybe I'll just get lazy or "too busy" and drift off without even noticing and will have to work hard to get myself back to a place of strong faith. I will probably be tested in all these ways, as I've already seen them happen in my life.

"What we will need in our day of testing is a spiritual preparation. It is to have developed faith in Jesus Christ so powerful that we can pass the test of life upon which everything for us in eternity depends. That test is part of the purpose God had for us in the Creation, " says Elder Eyring. Basically, I was created and born to be tested, so if I feel like I'm being tested it's definitely not a punishment, just part of the plan.

I used to feel picked on a little bit by Heavenly Father. My husband was looking for a full-time steady job for about three years. He graduated law school in 2009 after the economy had crashed harder than it had in a long time and jobs were scarce. So he picked up work here and there in the legal field and even did some work out of it, but we didn't have a steady paycheck we could rely on and it felt like we were slowly crawling forward like a caterpillar to a better situation. I looked around at other women around my age at church and wondered if they knew how lucky they were that their husbands provided for them. I felt singled out. I was working, with young kids, while pregnant, and didn't have the comfort of a paycheck to help me sleep at night. And all my work wasn't getting us ahead, it was just getting us by. I felt singled out because I didn't know anyone in my situation that had to wait so long. I even caught myself wondering if Heavenly Father loved them more than me because he gave them a cushier financial life. Here I was working my butt off to make ends meet and they were spending the money their husband's made without seeming to have to take that burden on themselves to provide.

Prayer, scripture study, going to church ready to learn, and serving others helped keep my lantern full of fuel during that difficult time.  It also helped me go into that experience with enough fuel to get through it.  If I'd stopped doing the little things to keep me going spiritually, I could have worn out and lost my light. When I felt worst about my situation, I turned to God more. Now that my husband is employed, sometimes I wonder what heavy burden will be placed on me next. Or maybe it will just be lots of smaller ones in a row. Whatever tests are being created for me by my all-knowing and loving Creator, I want to be prepared beforehand so I don't burn out. Hence this scripture blog/journal. Writing helps keep me connected to what matters most to me. If I write it, it's easier to remember and to live it.

Last Night I Fell Asleep On My Balcony

Last night I fell asleep on my balcony. When we moved from Orange County to the Temecula Valley a few months ago, I didn't know one of extra perks would be a sky full of amazing stars every night. This was only something I was used to seeing when I went camping, since Orange County has more lights to block the stars. At our new house, we live on the edge of the developed land near a lake where they aren't many houses, which is ideal for star viewing.

Going out at night to see the stars has become one of my favorite ways to unwind every night. Unwinding is essential with willful and loud children that make me want to scream at least once a day. One of my favorite things to do is count how many airplanes I can see up there and track them till they move out of sight. It's very relaxing and sort of meditative, taking my mind off of any of my cares or stresses and just focusing on watching blinking lights that fade into the distance.

I'll tell you though, with as many I-want-to-pull-my-hair-out-while-yelling parenting moments comes at least as many if not more moments that I want to smother my kids with kisses and hugs because they are so precious. That's the dichotomy of parenting and that was what was going through my head last night as I was trying to unwind. The day was going through my mind likes reels of a tape and thoughts and feelings were flowing through my mind: "I love my kids so much it hurts." "I really need a few nights away from these kids." "I feel guilty that I lost my temper." "These kids are driving me crazy!"

Watching planes fly away really helped me relax. So much that I slept out there for about three hours until my husband woke me up with a hungry and fussing infant. It didn't hurt that I had brought out an extremely comfortable down comforter, cushy pillow, and I was warm wearing a soft rabbit coat (don't judge! :).

Sometimes during the day I wish I could escape to my balcony and look up at the sky. Right about now actually. No, I can't tell you where Dad's iPad is and even if I knew you couldn't have it. On repeat.

Gifts I Need...

Sometimes I can be a hoarder. I don't like throwing things away that have meant a lot to me at some point in my life. That's why I have a lot of old church handouts and notes I've taken that I can't seem to get rid of. After my mission I had a specific prompting to create a binder full of my mission study notes and other favorite church talks/quotes organized with dividers based on subject. It was a huge undertaking and luckily I didn't have a job back then and had all the time in the world. It would be harder to get done now.

I've been going through a lot of my saved stuff since we've moved into the new house. Some of these uplifting talks and handouts are loose and haven't been organized in the binder yet. I can't seem to throw any of them away, so I will have to categorize them. The one I started reading tonight was about gifts of the Spirit.

The big takeaway for me was that God gives us weaknesses so we will turn it around and ask for gifts of the Spirit to mold us into more Christ-like people.

Here's a quote from George Q. Cannon, an early apostle of the church:

"These gifts are given by Him for the perfection of His people, that in this vale of tears, shut out as we are from His presence, a veil of darkness having been drawn, as it were, between us and Him, those who will exercise faith in His promises and will keep His commandments may receive the aid that is necessary to enable them to walk before Him and to enjoy His power...." Read full quote 

Anyway, obviously no one is expected to be perfect in this life and the best way to work on self-improvement and enduring through life's challenges is to ask for the Savior's grace and be strengthened by Him. 

I like this for a couple of reasons. #1 - this life was designed to be hard and that's not just me or you feeling the burden of it #2 - light is found in this life through faith and obedience (as best we can do) and the Savior's grace will make up the rest, giving us power and spiritual gifts to navigate through the darkness. 

I can apply this right now. Being pregnant with two little kids can be exhausting because I don't get a chance to rest as much as I'd like. I've got six weeks left and most days I'd rather be taking a nap than cleaning up messes and cooling down temper tantrums. I'm not emotionally in the mood to be patient when my five year old spends twenty minutes in her room, at least a few times a week, throwing a fit about an outfit she's tried on that she doesn't like (so grateful she got into a lottery public school with uniforms next year!)

I can easily justify feeling irritable or impatient on pregnancy hormones. Or, I can dig in and be humble enough to ask the Lord to help me be patient and loving and energetic enough to field the challenges that will inevitably arise again and again every day. Escaping to the couch and rolling my eyes is another option, but trusting in the Savior to strengthen me with the spiritual gifts of patience and love is a more rewarding outcome. 

This will Probably Be My Last Post for Six Months

A couple weeks ago I had the thought to start a blog. I get to become acquainted with a lot of blogs, because I'm lucky enough that many female bloggers want to review my clothing website, so lots of them get in touch with me. I love how expressive and real they are and it made me want to start one too. But I have a million other things to do and let's be honest, I'll probably start it and then abandon it for six months or longer. But I had the nagging feeling this morning to start a blog again, so I will take advantage of it as my opportunity to actually journal, which I don't do anymore for myself. I write in journals every couple months for my kids (nothing elaborate, just cute things they're doing and funny stories), but stopped writing regularly in my own journal when I got married about 6 years ago.

This morning at the breakfast table, my three-year old asked me, "Mom, what's a sleep touch?" Her question caught me off guard because I'd never heard of this before and it's not in any movies she watches. It also was surprising because it was one of the first things she said this morning. I thought for a second and responded, "Maybe it's when I come into your room at night when you're asleep to check on you and make sure you're warm and I kiss your head." She got excited, "Yeah! And the angels give me a kiss. And Jesus!" That's when I lost it. I wondered if Jesus is like parents who can't help but visit us briefly sometimes when we're sleeping to watch how peaceful we are and to spend a second of precious one on one time. Maybe he kisses our foreheads and blesses us, then hurries away like a parent would in the night.

A flood of happy emotions came over me with this image in my head. I feel like God lets us have days where we carry heavy burdens and he strengthens us when we ask, but the task is still very burdensome. And then a unique spiritual experience the next day can totally lift our burdens, take them away, and let us He is with us to give us insight and rest. This morning has been restful for me in that sense. I had a good cry, felt the love of my God and Jesus, and feel more capable to face my day with grace and gratitude. It also helps that I got enough sleep last night. Yesterday, my little 20 month one woke up at 4:50 am because he's teething. Talk about the longest day of my life! This morning, I was totally blessed because he slept in till 6:15, which is a really BIG deal because he always wakes up at 5:30. I don't know how long this feeling of restoration will last, but I'm enjoying it.