Great Faith Has a Short Shelf Life

I remember going to a session of LDS Conference back in 2005 and Elder Eyring pointed out something that still sticks out in my mind any time someone talks about building their personal testimony of spiritual things. He said, "great faith has a short shelf life." It's so true. You can't have a powerful spiritual experience and expect to stay on fire, so to speak, for the rest of your life. You can't rely on a few, or even numerous experiences of the past, to keep you feeling strong in your faith forever. Faith is like a muscle and if you stop putting yourself in situations where the Holy Ghost can talk to you and let you know God's will for you, then you'll lose it. Your testimony will atrophy. It happens all the time, in varying degrees, to everybody.

In the parable of the 10 virgins, it talks about 5 virgins who were trying to make it to a wedding feast, but it was dark and the lanterns they had with them didn't have enough fuel so they weren't able to navigate in the dark to travel to the party. So half of these invited guests weren't actually able to go and celebrate like they'd been planning. They hadn't put in enough preparation to get there and they missed out. Elder Eyring said about preparation for life's tests: "What we will need then can’t be bought. It can’t be borrowed. It doesn’t store well. And it has to have been used regularly and recently." What does that refer to in modern life? What destinations will the unprepared never reach? What disappointments will they face? In the parable, the 5 unprepared asked if they could borrow oil, the fuel, from the five that had enough. They couldn't spare any and couldn't help their friends. They couldn't easily transfer it in the moment of desperation. They probably wished they could help their friends, but there was nothing they could do.. So back to my question. What things do I need to spiritually prepare for so I don't suffer the consequences of laziness or oversight or procrastination?

Basically, my faith in Jesus Christ will be tested in this life, in a bunch of small and big ways over and over again. Maybe I'll pray repeatedly for something to happen, something good that I need, and I won't get it. Maybe I'll make efforts to be closer to Christ and then a big trial will hit me and I'll wonder why I'm not being protected more. Maybe I'll watch someone in my life suffer and pray for them and the burden won't be lifted. There are so many ways my faith could be tested. Maybe I'll be asked by the apostles to do something that I'm not sure I agree with. Maybe I'll question their authority and then the entire leadership structure of the Church, wondering if Jesus really is in charge and if He is, do I agree with Him? Maybe I'll suffer in ways I don't think I deserve and wonder why I'm not being cradled a little more. Maybe things will happen in my life that don't seem fair and don't make sense and then I won't feel like being faithful to the things Heavenly Father asks me to do to stay close to Him. Maybe I'll just get lazy or "too busy" and drift off without even noticing and will have to work hard to get myself back to a place of strong faith. I will probably be tested in all these ways, as I've already seen them happen in my life.

"What we will need in our day of testing is a spiritual preparation. It is to have developed faith in Jesus Christ so powerful that we can pass the test of life upon which everything for us in eternity depends. That test is part of the purpose God had for us in the Creation, " says Elder Eyring. Basically, I was created and born to be tested, so if I feel like I'm being tested it's definitely not a punishment, just part of the plan.

I used to feel picked on a little bit by Heavenly Father. My husband was looking for a full-time steady job for about three years. He graduated law school in 2009 after the economy had crashed harder than it had in a long time and jobs were scarce. So he picked up work here and there in the legal field and even did some work out of it, but we didn't have a steady paycheck we could rely on and it felt like we were slowly crawling forward like a caterpillar to a better situation. I looked around at other women around my age at church and wondered if they knew how lucky they were that their husbands provided for them. I felt singled out. I was working, with young kids, while pregnant, and didn't have the comfort of a paycheck to help me sleep at night. And all my work wasn't getting us ahead, it was just getting us by. I felt singled out because I didn't know anyone in my situation that had to wait so long. I even caught myself wondering if Heavenly Father loved them more than me because he gave them a cushier financial life. Here I was working my butt off to make ends meet and they were spending the money their husband's made without seeming to have to take that burden on themselves to provide.

Prayer, scripture study, going to church ready to learn, and serving others helped keep my lantern full of fuel during that difficult time.  It also helped me go into that experience with enough fuel to get through it.  If I'd stopped doing the little things to keep me going spiritually, I could have worn out and lost my light. When I felt worst about my situation, I turned to God more. Now that my husband is employed, sometimes I wonder what heavy burden will be placed on me next. Or maybe it will just be lots of smaller ones in a row. Whatever tests are being created for me by my all-knowing and loving Creator, I want to be prepared beforehand so I don't burn out. Hence this scripture blog/journal. Writing helps keep me connected to what matters most to me. If I write it, it's easier to remember and to live it.

Last Night I Fell Asleep On My Balcony

Last night I fell asleep on my balcony. When we moved from Orange County to the Temecula Valley a few months ago, I didn't know one of extra perks would be a sky full of amazing stars every night. This was only something I was used to seeing when I went camping, since Orange County has more lights to block the stars. At our new house, we live on the edge of the developed land near a lake where they aren't many houses, which is ideal for star viewing.

Going out at night to see the stars has become one of my favorite ways to unwind every night. Unwinding is essential with willful and loud children that make me want to scream at least once a day. One of my favorite things to do is count how many airplanes I can see up there and track them till they move out of sight. It's very relaxing and sort of meditative, taking my mind off of any of my cares or stresses and just focusing on watching blinking lights that fade into the distance.

I'll tell you though, with as many I-want-to-pull-my-hair-out-while-yelling parenting moments comes at least as many if not more moments that I want to smother my kids with kisses and hugs because they are so precious. That's the dichotomy of parenting and that was what was going through my head last night as I was trying to unwind. The day was going through my mind likes reels of a tape and thoughts and feelings were flowing through my mind: "I love my kids so much it hurts." "I really need a few nights away from these kids." "I feel guilty that I lost my temper." "These kids are driving me crazy!"

Watching planes fly away really helped me relax. So much that I slept out there for about three hours until my husband woke me up with a hungry and fussing infant. It didn't hurt that I had brought out an extremely comfortable down comforter, cushy pillow, and I was warm wearing a soft rabbit coat (don't judge! :).

Sometimes during the day I wish I could escape to my balcony and look up at the sky. Right about now actually. No, I can't tell you where Dad's iPad is and even if I knew you couldn't have it. On repeat.